Hello, my name is Jen and I was born and raised in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I’m not to sure on how to start this out or what I exactly all want to say. I decided to start this blog to note down my thoughts to use as a tool to hopefully grow and learn more about myself. I think growing up and transitioning into adulthood we start to lose pieces of ourselves. We have our first love which leads to our first heartbreak. We experience what it is to gain new friends as we lose old ones. In our twenties everything is go, go, go. We go through so many transitions of life but never take the time to figure out who we’ve become in the process. Then, one day it all hits you like a ton of bricks. You wake up wondering who you are? When did you become this person? How did this happen? You wake up alone.
This all hit a couple months ago and as I tried to pretend like I had it all together, I didn’t. The exact opposite actually. Everything you thought you figured out, where you were headed and what you were going to do isn’t what you need at all. I was at a place where I knew I wasn’t happy. Something had to change. My first thought, leave the place that reminds of all the things that hurt me. I started my planning to move to New York City. It is a place that I love and honestly, it always feels like home when I’m there. I start the planning, saving money, paying off debt, give myself a timeline. As that deadline started to get to the 10 month mark, I became increasingly unhappy. Nothing made me happy, not even the move anymore. I hated my job, school was draining my life and I cut pretty much everyone out of my life. I had nothing. I was lost. Everything that I thought I had planned out became a giant ?. One day, this guy who had been begging to take me out months ago, stopped in at my job(not in a stalker way just he was one of our reps) randomly. He asked me out again and because I was no longer entertaining anyone, I told him to call me. He called me later, as we were talking and catching up since it was awkward around a bunch of co-workers. He asks if he can take me out next weekend and I inform him that I am going to New York for my birthday. Immediately, he says “Ugh, I hate New York!” I was in shock, I LOVE it there! How could anyone in their right mind say that hate New York, so I ask. He then begins to explain his view of New York “it’s cold, you are a nobody. No one says hello each other, everyone sits there with their headphones on. You could be dying on the street and they will walk right past you.” In that moment, I realized that’s exactly why I wanted to go. I wanted to be free. I was yearning for a place of solitude. Where no one could ask me anything, not even that hello. I began to realize, all I was doing was running away from my problems. I never talked to him again after that but like they say everything happens for a reason. Maybe he was just brought into my life to shine light on where I was going, wasn’t the best place for me.
I had been through so much in the last couple years of my life and I felt like it was stuck in fast forward. I never sat and really allowed myself to adjust to the changes that occurred. I became so used to the downs that when they happened it was like “Okay, what next, I can take it.” Felt like I always had to be on the defense. I went to New York and embraced it for what I need it for. A place to be alone. Most of my trip was spent walking around with my headphones not paying attention to anyone or anything around me. I jogged the Brooklyn bridge which is something I always wanted to do but never made time for. The whole time I took everything in around me and just let myself felt alone in that moment. It was so peaceful. When I got home, I realized I needed to face reality. My life was fucked up and I have been through some shit and it made become an unhappy person. How do I fix it? A week later, I quit my job and changed my number. Since then I have been reflecting on everything I’ve gone through. The people that I allowed into my life and why. I allowed myself to finally grieve my grandmother’s passing. I brushed a lot of things under the rug to avoid feeling. It was the hardest times in my life. I didn’t leave bed for 2 days, I just sat and cried. I mourned. I didn’t do much that week but I needed it. I needed to be alone in the place that I thought was causing all of my unhappiness. Unhappiness will follow you where ever you run to. It’s not something you can hide from forever. Yeah, you can mask it and find things to fill that void but none of it is healthy.
Since than I’ve removed the toxicity from my life and am at a place of rebuilding. I spent the last 2 months doing nothing. Thankfully being single with no kids and money put aside I was able to that. I stopped giving myself excuses to avoid doing that things. I went hard in the gym and am now at a place where I am happy and can’t wait to see more progression. I’m going out and actually enjoying it. For so long I did it just to shut people up. As soon as I walked into places I couldn’t wait to leave and I know my facial expression showed it. This is just the beginning and I hope to use my blog to continue to learn more about myself. I know I’m not alone in this, we all go through things every day. I think part of the issue is society has turned in to this extremely fast place world. While physically we keep up, our emotions don’t. We’ve become so used to things that when things change, we look for something quickly to avoid feeling the pain. If we continue to avoid the pain, won’t it eventually catch up? We will run out of things to blame or use as excuses at some point. Why not face them head on? Deal with them in that moment. Allow ourselves to feel the pain. Until we understand why we are hurting in that moment, will we learn how to truly fix it. It’s scary to admit things about yourself to anyone let alone yourself. It makes you vulnerable which no one ever wants to feel. Yet, I’ve found that in my vulnerability, I have grown. I am happier. Now, I can say I’m making decision for my future! The right choices, I am no longer running.